There’s one sad truth in life I’ve found while journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know we please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow to those who love us best.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Many times we may take for granted the person who is most close to us, our intimate partner. We treat colleague’s employees, friend’s, and acquaintances with all due respect, and sometimes take for granted the person who is most caring of our heart, and our well-being.

Many times this is not done intentionally; it is just that one tends to feel most relaxed and comfortable with their partner, that they feel safe letting their guard down. That is fabulous, it is only when you start becoming lazy with the needs of nurturing the relationship, and you start taking advantage of the other’s kindness and caring that you may run into trouble. When you stop hearing and caring about your partner’s needs and wants, trouble can then begin to surface.

It is easy for this to happen, as life can get very busy, and it is often those closest to us that feel it the most, they are also most likely short-changed when we are pressed or rushed with work-related chores, or other things that may be taking our time. Also, if one partner is going through a change of routine, or a change of life situations, it is easy for a lack of communication and disagreements to begin surfacing in the relationship.

If you don’t nib these issues in the bud early on, resentment then begins to grow, and it escalates into a very unhappy existence between the two, who in the past had the capacity to grow a very strong, loving, empowering connection. One that would help each of you to become power partner’s together and separately, one that would nurture, care and create a lasting relationship based on the foundation of love, trust and deep caring for the other person’s happiness and success in life.

Working together is extremely important in order for your relationship to deepen and grow. If you work with your partner when each of you are in your separate life transitions and change and grow together, while always keeping the trust, and the doors of communication open, you will then help the relationship develop into the strong one it has the potential to become.

The problem is, that most of the time in the mist of our busyness, we forget to nurture and care for the relationship, as well as push it’s needs aside. By the time we are aware of the damage done, it may be to late.

So what steps can you take to prevent this from happening? Or, possibly reversing the damage, if the relationship was strong enough. The easiest and simplest way, is to always remember to not take your relationship for granted. With that being said, let’s look at some other steps that can help.

1)Love–Always remember that love is not enough to keep a relationship strong, and moving full stream ahead. It takes connection and caring for a thriving relationship.

2)Respect–You need to have respect for your partner. You need to hear what they say. You do not always have to agree, but you do need to respect their thoughts, ideas and viewpoints. You cannot change anyone, nor should you want to. It will not work if that is the case.

3)Trust–This is most important. There needs to be a basic foundation of trust towards each other in order to feel comfortable showing your true colors, as well as expressing what needs to be expressed. You should not have to worry that they will leave if they don’t agree with something. If something needs to be addressed and worked out in the relationship, you should feel comfortable with having the knowledge and a level of trust with your partner, that if anything is ever really wrong in the relationship, you have an agreement with your partner that they will come to you to express it, not to other’s. It is important to know that any major decisions about the wellbeing, or not, of your union will be made together, just as the relationship was started together. You will want to know that your partner respects and cares for you enough to make all-important decisions about the relationship with you, not behind your back. Sometimes one partner may seeks advice, comfort, etc in someone outside the relationship, unfortunately this harms the relationship, as the other person is not in the relationship, and cannot possibly know all the intimacies, issues, etc in it.

4)Communication—What can I say, this is a given. You cannot possibly have a healthy relationship without good, open and honest communication from both sides. This also means hearing and caring about what your partner is saying, and if you don’t agree with it, you work on a solution together, you don’t leave the conversation forever without making any changes to the issue of disagreement that was at hand. Sometimes one partner may say, let’s talk about this time, yes you can, if you both really set a time and talk about it and then work towards a solution. If a partner says this to move away from the issue, without really wanting to come to a workable, or at least an agreement, it can be very harmful to the relationship. You simply cannot survive if one partner does not care to work on an issue at hand that is causing stress in the relationship. You don’t have to agree to do something you don’t want to, but you cannot skirt around an issue, and never come to an agreement. If you do this, you are only setting the relationship up for failure.

5)Adaptability- Hey, life and people constantly change. You need to change both together and separately, while having the power to keep your togetherness strong and thriving.

6)Strength- You need to be able to grow and face the fears and challenges and roadblocks that come into any relationship from time to time. Have the courage and faith and love to get through things together, it can only make you stronger. I am not talking here of something that is a major threat to your life, however no relationship runs smooth forever. It is important to have the foundation to get through the tough times together that is what makes the relationship something to cherish.

7)Time- take the time no matter how busy each of you are to connect to each other, share your joy and share your worry. That is one of the best things about being in a healthy relationship; you always have your partner, who you love, trust and can share things with. Hopefully someone that will not judge just be there for you when you need him or her to be. Or if they do sometimes judge, they are aware that, that is what they are doing, and they let it go and focus on all the good things they love about you.

So there you have it. An outline to honor your intimate relationship. Tweak it to your liking, add your needs, values and what is most important to you, and begin incorporating it into your relationship. Remember this close relationship is a precious gift to both people involved, and sometimes all the other clutter in our lives makes one overlook this. Don’t overlook it, it is too important to overlook if you really cherish it.

©2009 Lori Snyder

www.coachlorisnyder

We all know that to change and grow, to have an open mind and be flexible with the daily and not so-daily changes in our life is a must in order to flourish, however there is one area where, when we expect change, it is an absolute recipe for disaster.

You may be able to already guess which area it is I am talking about, if not, it is the area of relationships, not just intimate, but any relationship you have with any person.

You see, in order to be at your happiest and most productive, you cannot have the pressure or expectation of thinking that someone will change to fit what your needs are. If there are differences between you and someone you care about, you both must value each other enough to be willing to work together and create a change, compromise that would work for both of you. You cannot force change, or try to nag someone into it. They have to care enough to be willing to hear you out, even if they do not agree, and both of you would need to come up with a solution to the problem, if not it will continue to escalate till it totally breaks down. You should have the attitude and knowing that you can only change yourself, and if someone that you are involved with simply cannot make certain changes/compromises, and you are not willing to accept and work with those differences, then it is best not to become deeply involved in your union together.

If it is a short-term encounter, that is fine, they’re differences will not matter much to you, you will work with them on the task that brought you together, and then be on your way. If however, this is a person you are considering to become a part of you personal life, such as an intimate partner, you would need to know that your best chances of the relationship succeeding, is to not expect to change or mold that person into something they are not. You need to know right from the start that you are willing to accept them just as they are, and that you both are able to work together to grow the relationship in a positive direction, and that you both agree that your differences are okay and workable within the relationship.

If the relationship is one in which we are talking about a relative, it is best to acknowledge that you do not have the power to change other’s, and if you do not agree with their actions or choices, you need to accept that fact. Everyone is placed on this earth to be their own person, and to learn and grow in their own way. So, you must have the understanding that you can offer your opinion, but you should not get in a constant battle with them to change to your expectations. It is best to love and accept them for who they are, and who they want to become. You need to let the people you love make their own decisions, you can be there to try to guide and give advice, but if not accepted, you should not hold grudges, or force the issue. Instead, understand where they are coming from, be their friend, love and accept them, let them grow and evolve in their own way. Be there for them to offer your love and support even if you don’t always agree with their choices.

As far as other encounters in your life, such as friends, colleagues and acquaintances, it is wonderful to know that you make all your own choices and decisions about whom to, and how deeply involved to become with any particular person in your circle of life.

I have many different friends, colleagues and associates who are all great, and all of whom I am involved with on a different level. It is great to accept and acknowledge that we will have throughout our lives, encounters with others who we connect with on many different levels. But in order for each connection to serve its greatest purpose, it is best to try not to suffocate it with the energy of trying to change someone. If you are not comfortable with the encounter, simply step away from it if you can. If it is someone whom you will be in contact with, because they may be a relative who you must see at that moment in life, or a co-worker, then you can create changes of your own to be able to encounter with these people in a successful way, a way that works for you. Do not worry about what you don’t like about them, or how they handle things, or their choices in life, instead focus on you, and what you will do and how you will shift in order to make your encounter with these people more pleasant when you do see them.

Don’t try to change, and try not to judge other people who you encounter, and whom you have a relationship with. Learn that we are all here to experience our own choices in their fullest form, and no one can interfere with that. It is only you who can change you, and only you who can decide how to handle situations. What you accept and what you do not accept are all your choices; no one can enter your space and force change in that. Nor should you want to, or try to change another.

When you accept other people who enter your life wholeheartedly without putting demands of change on them, you will see that both of you will then be able to co-create an amazing relationship that leads to both of you feeling very safe and comfortable with each other and you will both be able to build a healthy level of trust and comfort within your relationship. You will begin to experience all the joy, good and happiness these people can bring into your life, and you in turn can bring joy, good and happiness into their lives. It is wonderful when we can simply accept others for who they are, we can then really grow close to them, and appreciate them.

Everyone that enters our life has a special gift of the giving of himself or herself. When we can appreciate that gift and give the same back it empowers us in unbelievable ways. Enjoy all the gifts life has to offer. Make the changes that you want to make for you, don’t worry about changing others, and let them make their own choices in life.

Remember change is good when it is your change, not you trying to force change in others.

© Lori Snyder 2009